Critical Mass
Saturday, March 11th, 2006 at 5:20 pmAnother oil spill
Atomic waste displaced
Another forest dies
Bring on the acid rain
Another oil spill
A pipeline leak in Alaska’s North Slope region last week caused up to 267,000 gallons of crude oil to spill at Prudhoe Bay, the U.S’s largest oil field.
The spill was the largest in the area’s history, yet I don’t see too much news coverage of it. I guess because it was only a few thousand gallons of oil, as opposed to the 1989 Exxon Valdez tanker spill that poured 11 million gallons of oil into Prince William Sound.
Nevertheless, there’s oil, lots of it, and oops, it’s been spilled!!!
But fuck the environment, let’s deal with the issues that really matter, like all those poor Irish-Catholics who can’t eat their corned beef this St. Patrick’s Day because the holiday falls on a Friday during Lent this year.
Honestly, this is an international fucking tragedy.
But if you live in Omaha, NE, you’re shit in luck! The Catholic Church there has granted their Irish constituents a special dispensation to eat meat on St. Patrick’s Day.
Hey now, hold the corned beef right there! Don’t plan on enjoying the leftovers: You can eat meat that Friday, but must abstain from meat the next day instead. Don’t even try to pull one over on the Catholic Church, ok. They’ve been around for thousands of years, they know every trick in the book.
But seriously, people, why focus our attentions on trivial things like environmental hazards and religious observances when there’s hard-hitting news out there like this story recently featured on TV’s Inside Edition about women having surgery to become virgins again.
Have numerous childbirths widened the entrance down there? Does your man feel like he’s entering the Panama Canal whenever he’s with you? Would you even know it if he tried? Well thanks to the latest advancements in hymen replacement surgery, you too can reverse your virginity status for only $5,000 and six week’s recovery time!
That’s right! You undergo a costly, painful procedure while your man [hopefully] practices abstinence during your lengthy recovery period so that you can relive the fun of having your cherry popped as your man gets another shot at fucking a tight pussy.
Thank goodness there are doctors dedicating their life’s work to this kind of practice. God bless them, and if they’re Irish-Catholics, God please let them eat meat this St. Patrick’s Day.
Listen to this podcast
Oh, man. I just erased a very snarky comment about “eating meat”, hymen re-attachment, and Irish-Catholics, but I skinned out. I don’t want to go to hell, or get a shit ton of hate postings from people reading. My self-restrait doesn’t seem limited to food, nowadays. I’m getting lame in my old age.
Derr. *Because I skinned out.
We will be able to get our vag reinforced, but no abortion? Great.
Dude, I spent years trying to get RID of my hymen. Why in the HELL would I want it back? So sex can be painful again?
Hymen. Hi Men!
I am constantly amazed at what makes it into the mainstream news and what doesn’t. The same news stations that have completely ignored stories about the oil spill around here are warning people to beware of their pets, because they might a deadly, contagious virus! which it turned out was parvo, which animals are vaccinated against. I worked in two vet clinics for a year each and never saw an animal with parvo. But really, it’s important “news.”